How Much of My Past Do I Share with My Children?
By Lisa Clark
When I began teaching the parenting teens class years ago, this was the numero uno question moms were asking. What do I tell? When do I tell it? How much do I tell? One week, two different moms shared two different stories about their take on this scenario, which helped me get to where I landed on this topic.
One mom shared that with no warning, her teenage daughter one day blasted her with the question – “Mom did you and dad have sex before you got married????” “Yes!” was her answer with no preparation or thought. She said, “I regretted that answer so badly. My daughter was devastated. She wasn’t ready for that answer. I hadn’t thought about it ahead of time and she caught me off guard. Our relationship has healed, but it took awhile for her to want to talk to me about anything of importance.” (Mom #1)
The second mom shared a completely different take on this burning question. She said, “I’m a goody goody. I never got in trouble for ANYTHING in high school. How will my daughters and son relate to me? I don’t want them to think they can’t talk to me about their problems or mistakes. I’m not perfect, I know. But my past is not very colorful!” (Mom #2)
Two different takes on an age old question. We want to be real with our kids, yet we know that we can’t sit them down at various ages and proceed to “data dump” our past into their brains. Not good.
I began to pray about this scenario. God clearly gave me a picture of what parents should see when evaluating their personal situation.
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The Perfect Life of Jesus Christ
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The “Almost” Perfect Life of Mom #2
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The “Not So” Perfect Life of Mom # 1
Who falls short of The Perfect Life of Jesus Christ? Both Moms!!! Neither one was perfect. We rank sins. We shouldn’t do that. Sin is sin. (Romans 3:23) God’s word tells us that even our best days are still as filthy rags!!! So, both moms have a story to tell…one might not be as “WOW!” as the other one, but both still have a story.
So, with Jesus as the focal point, we move on. In instructing our children and using our testimony as strategically as possible, we teach them that their goal and our goal for them is to be like Christ. He is Holy and Perfect (1 Peter 1:16) and we need Him in our daily lives to guide us and shape us. His Holy Spirit should be our guide. Mom and Dad are just teachers and mentors in the process. We are not perfect. We make mistakes. So as we look unto Jesus, we find perfection and how things should be.
As we teach our children, here are some guidelines for talking about your past:
1) Remind them that you do have experiences that have shaped your life. BUT God is awesome! “I am forgiven! But I have also suffered consequences for those decisions.”
2) “While I’m still parenting you, I won’t be going into details about my past experiences. I’ll share bits and pieces through the years, when the situation is right, but my goal as your parent is to make Jesus’ life and Holiness the focus. Not my life. I don’t want to be the focus. I did many things right (Praise God!) and I did many things wrong!”
3) Remind them that “I am responsible for the choices I made. You will be responsible for the choices you make. With Christ, you can stand strong. Make Him your best friend.”
4) Your children need to be made aware of the fact that you grew up in a different time, different culture. Quite possibly your family situation was different, ie. divorced parents, non-Christian parents, etc.
5) End your discussion with something like this – “When you are grown, one day I promise we will grab a cup of hot chocolate and cuddle up on the couch and I will tell you my story. But until then, please understand that you will have many hard choices to make along the way. God is with you always. I can only be with you at times… He never leaves you. Trust in Him with your whole heart. He will give you the strength you need. Hopefully my life experiences and the things that have shaped me will help you, too. I will do my best to encourage you and help you along the way.”
